Wishes Do Come True

October 28, 2003
Theo came into my life rather unexpectedly on Tuesday, September 30, 2003 five hours after he was born. As many of you know, I have been suffering the emotional roller-coaster of foster care/adoption for about six years now and recently had experienced numerous heartbreaks within the process. Here is our story:
Em moved out of my life (at the age of eight) after being in it for six years and I felt incredibly empty and sad. I realized that I could be a parent, even a single parent and that I really wanted to be a parent. So, with the completed Foster/Adopt packet that had been started with Em, I decided to formally pursue a permanent adoption. I had been talking with a social worker in Boise, Idaho about a 13 year old girl whom the Idaho Department of Human Services was very interested in having me adopt. On Monday I came to the agonizing decision that this was not the child for me and made the heartbreaking phone call to her social worker to inform her of my decision. That night, after work, I went for a long walk up Emerald Mountain with my dog. Toward the top, I found a large rock overlooking the Yampa Valley and sat on it to enjoy the spectacular fall colors and to watch the sun set. When the first star popped out of the evening sky, I made a wish. I wished for a child. A forever child. My child. Please.
Tuesday morning while at work, I got a call from another social worker very interested in me adopting a nine year old girl from the eastern slope of Colorado. The nine year old had a “few behavior issues from a traumatic and chaotic past”, but nothing the social worker felt I couldn’t handle. After hanging up, I was discussing the situation with my assistant director, Jenica, and feeling like adoption was just not working out for me. After six years of heartbreak and hope and constant searching and self analysis and frustration, it seemed as if I was sliding backwards and all of the tears were for nothing. I was crying and telling Jenica that I was done with adoption. I quit. I had decided to stop trying to adopt and that adoption was not the path that my life would take. I just couldn’t continue to tear my heart apart on a daily basis and continue to hear the horror stories that came with these potential children. And to turn these children away from my heart felt as if I was closing the last door of hope for them to have any shred of a happy, normal childhood. Nope, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I quit. I quit. I quit. That was at 10:00 in the morning.
At 1:00 I was giving a tour of our new preschool to some political leaders from Denver and a few of our big grantors… In the middle of the tour one of my teachers ran up saying that Human Services was on the phone. It was an EMERGENCY (which, when you are the director of a child care center, can mean nothing good) and I had to come to the phone RIGHT NOW! I thought something had happened to one of my numerous preschool children who had an open case with child welfare. Panicked, I ran into my office, grabbed the phone and said, “Tina what’s up? You are really scaring me…” From a cell phone Tina’s voice was speaking about one hundred miles a minute… “I’m on my way up to the hospital, there might be a baby up there. I don’t know anything yet… but if there is we’ll need foster care for it… can you do that? Do you want a newborn baby? I’ll call you as soon as I know more…”
OH MY GOD.
A BABY.
A NEWBORN BABY.
Jenica started screaming and crying and saying, “Oh my GOD, Tracy has a baby… A BABY!” I told her not to get excited. We didn’t know anything yet. Don’t get your hopes up because it will just end up in heartbreak…. After an eternity of waiting, and not accomplishing much at work, Tina called again around 5:00. "It’s a boy, 6 pounds 10 ounces. He was born at 10:42. He’s beautiful and perfect and he’s ALL YOURS and you can come up and meet your son.” Oh my God. A baby boy. “Tina,” I said, “is it okay to get excited about this? I getting excited about this… how sure is this?” Tina replied “Tracy, I’m excited about this, YOU better be excited about this… this is about as sure any adoption will ever be… come meet your son, MOM.” Oh my God! A baby boy!!!!!!!
My Mom and I drove me up to the hospital and nervously I walked up to the nurse’s stand. They led me into the nursery and there was my baby, all wrapped up in swaddling and sleeping peacefully in his crib. Gently I walked over to him and looked down.. “Hi Baby, Hi” and then I started to cry… I stayed in the hospital until 11:30, feeding my baby, asking the nursing staff lots of questions, watching the hospital mandated videos “Recovering from Childbirth” and “Breastfeeding” (I still think it’s dumb that I was mandated to watch these videos…) and holding and rocking my baby. When George, the night nurse, came in for his shift, he looked down at my baby’s chart and said, “What’s his name, Mom?” Uh…. Not ever in a million years did I ever think I would actually be able to NAME a child. Uh….I always liked the old Italian family name, Diodatti, which means “Gift from God” and is the name that is given to all orphaned children in Italy. Uh… Theodore also means “Gift from God and is more English in origin and is a popular name on my mother’s family tree. “What’s your name?” I asked my baby… happily asleep in my arms. John kept popping into my head every time I looked at him so I figure he really wanted John somewhere in there. Theodore John DelliQuadri: the little gift that God orchestrated to be given to me.
At 11:30 I left Theo sleeping in his crib, certain that he was a dream, not real, and that the second I left his sight he would be gone… not reality at all. Desperately needing baby supplies, I left the hospital and drove over to Jenica’s house. Jenica loaded me up with a bassinet, onesies, and various other newborn supplies left over from when her son, Ethan was a baby. I took all of her things home and assessed my house and my supplies. I was ill equipped for a newborn baby and my house needed cleaning. Everything I had was for a girl, between the ages of two and eight, left over from Em.
The next morning, Wednesday, I was at the hospital by 6:00, to give Theo his morning feeding. As I walked up to the nurse’s station, I was terrified. Completely expecting Theo to have disappeared in the middle of the night, I timidly asked the nurses if Theo was still there… The nurse laughed and said that she had saved the morning feeding for me… unbelievable! Theo was lying in his crib, waiting for me. I left the hospital at 10:00 to scurry around and find baby things (an infant car seat, for starters) and figure out my maternity leave and train Jenica to cover me for the next eight weeks. The excitement at my preschool was overwhelming, people had already brought in bags and bags of baby supplies for me (word travels faster than lightening in small towns) and well-wishers kept popping in to give me hugs and words of advice. At 5:30 I went up to the hospital to spend the night with Theo… our first night together.
On Thursday morning I packed Theo up and we headed home! Our lives together had begun! Theo is four weeks old today and I am happy, content and WHOLE! I finally have something that I have wanted so badly for so many years. And I paid my dues in heartbreak. The feeling of responsibility for this little life is overwhelming at times. I LOVE LOVE LOVE not working and spending my days taking Theo for walks on the bike path or staying at home and watching Theo grow. I can spend hours just watching him and am thoroughly entertained just watching him sleep. The amazing thing is that I truly believe that Theo and I were destined for each other. Somehow our lives were meant to be together. Wishes do come true.
Take Care,
Theo’s Mommy.