Reading Between The Lines

I went on a hike today with Theo, Adi, Babes (Gramma's dog) and Jenny (our dog). We walked the mushroom loop trail which is a pretty good hike in Carbondale. You wander through Juniper and Ceder forests and walk over semi-exposed sandstone. Beautiful. About halfway up the trail Theo found a little sandstone shard that he thought was cool because he could write his name with it. He carried the rock along the trail while hopping along the sandstone and hanging from all available branches (boys will be boys). When we were almost to the top of the trail, about 45 minutes later, Theo tripped over an exposed tree root and lost his sandstone shard. And lost it. Totally. Theo was sprawled out on the dirt crying and wailing and finally I said, "Come on Theo, it was just a little rock, we'll find another one." Which made Theo cry even harder. "You don't get it Mom," he screamed at me, "that rock was really special. I really liked it. I won't be able to replace it. I lost my favorite rock... I lost my best friend... I've lost everything!" Ohhhhhhh, I understand. I sighed and sat down on a big sandstone rock overlooking the Crystal River Valley and the little "Happy Valley" town of Carbondale. I invited Theo to sit with me and he did, where he silently sobbed into my shoulder.  Theo's BFF has decided that Theo is no longer his friend. It's been happening over the last month or so and Theo's been crying daily after school. He's been waking up in the middle of the night crying and wanting to be held because of it.  He hasn't been wanting to go to school anymore because of it..Not only does the BFF not want to play, sit with, talk to or associate with Theo anymore, but the rest of Theo's school gang are no longer playing with him either. They are siding with the BFF. When they organize games on the playground there is no room for Theo. When he asks to play they say, "Sorry, the game is full" or "Sorry, this is only a three person game." So... Theo has lost his entire social network. He says he goes and sits under the playground all by himself.  It breaks my heart and I've been feeling so helpless in supporting Theo through this aweful school experience.  What words can help him feel better. I understand the pain. The feelings of rejection, loneliness, hurt, anger and sadness that my boy is going through.  But, I haven't been able to help. It is useless to say, "Go play with someone else" because that doesn't acknowledge Theo's feelings of loss. I mean, the BFF has been such an important part of our lives up until now.  They met in the same infant room at preschool and have been connected at the hip ever since. Thousands of playdates, sleepovers and phone calls later, the BFF can't easily be brushed off. It's too intense of a relationship. That's what I sat thinking about up there on that rock with my boy... I was really wanting to let him know that he was entitled to feel loss. pain. sadness. anger. hurt.  rejection. lonliness. fear.  So, I started talking about relationships in life. Theo just sat hanging his head and listening. I talked about how when people are older they have boyfriends and girlfriends and how it feels when (in my case) your boyfriend breaks up with you. Or why you might want to break up with your boyfriend.  I talked about how long it takes after a big "break-up" to get back on your feet and really function or jump back into the dating pool.  I talked about what happens when somebody gets married and what it means to be married. How you commit to spend the rest of your life with that person.  And, when that doesn't happen then there is something called divorce.  I talked about how it feels to go through a divorce (my parents got divorced when I was 12).  How painful it is for everyone involved. How you think the world is ending.  I told Theo that I thought that was probably how he was feeling... how I felt when my parents got divorced or when my boyfriend broke up with me. I talked to him about feelings of loss and betrayel.  I talked to him about how good it feels to cry and talk about it and let those feelings out. And then Theo started talking. About how no other friend will know him as long as the BFF has. How hard it is when people say, "There isn't any room for you." We talked. And talked and talked. And then we just sat staring at Mount Sopris, big and beautiful in the distance.  And then we talked about life after the break-up. How life goes on. And it's hard. so hard. but, it gets better. And it takes a long time, but, eventually, things will get better. And new friends will be made (but won't replace that special place we have in our hearts for the BFF's). And girlfriends will come. And life will happen. We talked about how Theo's relationship with me is forever (another adoption emotional quagmire), how his relationship with Adi is forever and how even though they bicker at times, how they will always be there for each other.  We talked about how even though Granny has passed away and we miss her so much, a part of her is still with us and we keep her spirit alive and that is what a "forever" kind of relationship means.  We hugged.
And then we hiked off the mountain and went back home to go trick-or-treating.  And tonight, in the bathtub, Theo said, "Thanks a lot Mom, I feel so much better about everything now."
And that's what I get for reading between the lines.
I hope my boy survives 2nd grade...